Men will leave you in the desert…without water. III

—Here is my conclusion. Men are not dogs. You’d think that would be obvious to an average, un-blind human, right? I’m myopic, and I could see that much. 

Day one: 21/08/25. 10:11

I once heard it from the mouth of a Christian sister that men are dogs. Now this knowledge threatened the core of my being because there is someone amazing whom I call a father, and he is a man. If he is a dog, as all men are (via deductive reasoning), what does that make me? Dogs also give birth after their kind, abi?

Dogs are mostly cute, aside from when they behave like rascals. There’s one that’s living rent-free in my house, so I know. However, the Nigerian context of this phrase does not refer to the cuteness of dogs. Now that I think about it, I do not even understand the reference. A minute, let me check Google. 

10:22

My Google search of ‘how are men dogs’ displayed various results, but these, which happened to be the last two, pique my interest. The Amazon link didn’t make much sense to me. The YouTube video, on the other hand, was complete gibberish (in the sense that I disagreed with it). 

For the sake of locality, I added ‘Nairaland’ to my search query (iykyk) and boy, that is not a place a lady should be at 10:25 in the morninggg. My senses have been troubled and my sensibilities shaken. Ugh! *throws pretty head back in feigned anguish and agony*

Here is my conclusion. Men are not dogs. You’d think that would be obvious to an average, un-blind human, right? I’m myopic, and I could see that much. 

When women say this, I’ve perceived a distaste in their tone that communicates what they really mean. It could be different things. My general conclusion is:

That the man should be tamed like a dog often is, with snacks and treats, so that they behave. 

If I have to treat a fellow human being like this, why am I even with them? In a similar conversation, same context, a lady said that women have to keep men on their toes so they don’t get comfortable. I get that the idea is so the man does not take them for granted, but I’ll be very honest, if you’ve ever tried to stand on your toes (and you’re not a ballerina or any other affiliated endeavour) for more than a moment, it hurts like hell. Why would I want to do that to another person?

This is not really about men and their perceived dishonest ways; scum has no gender. The heart of the issue is: why would anyone want to spend forever with a person they do not trust?

16:24

I’m on a call with Lover Boy, wrapping up work, and he’s fallen asleep. All I can think of is how fine our children will be. Hehe. 

But there’s something else I see. It’s the ordinariness of it all.

One of the things I’ve come to love about my relationship is the ordinariness of it. How this person who was once a stranger has become a staple in my life, how we’re slowly falling into a rhythm that is my new normal.

I first heard the phrase ‘hedonic adaptation’ from P Sam. Google AI defines it as ‘the tendency for humans to quickly return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive or negative life changes. This means that while initial joy from a big purchase or sadness from a setback may be strong, these feelings tend to fade as we adjust to the new circumstances, and our happiness levels tend to revert to their previous baseline.’

I was having a conversation with Amanda yesterday about choosing a partner, and we talked about how wrong it was for people to make life decisions based on fleeting things like looks or finances. This is because what you settle down with is not a person’s looks or money, it is their inner person. If a person’s core is tainted—for example, they’re unkind or selfish—no amount of money can make up for that. 

When hedonic adaptation sets in, the money won’t matter. What hedonic adaptation also means is that we humans may actually need very little to be happy, but I digress.

Romance, sex, laughter, and plain fun are the by-products of this process of sanctification, refinement, and glorification. Those things are important, but they can’t keep the marriage going through years and years of ordinary life.

— Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

What this means is that you must first gun for friendship, and even if it does not exist initially, it must be formed. And it makes so much sense because the ecstasy or excitement we experience in relationships (and life in general) undulates, but if we find friendship, it’ll keep the relationship forever. 

It is friendship that will hold us, take us through the many ordinary days of life. And the ordinary days will be many; those days we cannot quite remember why we’re here, and we need the cosiness of friendship to be there, speak softly to us, listen to us, and resuscitate our joy—or at least our hope.

Back to the first part, of men as dogs and keeping people on their toes; another element of this narrative is that people who think this way also have to put up a front, which means they’re not really themselves.

How long can anyone do that for?

I think about my daily life with the people I love. I wake up with my hair all over the place, sometimes looking like a vagabond. I see my family at their worst. But I don’t even see that because when I think of my mother, I see her inner person first, and that makes her beautiful, not her physical appearance. Best believe, though, the woman is fineee. I mean, have you seen me?

Something that convicts me about where I am is that I see myself doing this forever. I don’t have to put up a presentation. I don’t have to think of being, I just am. It is freedom. 

But if you marry someone more for these things (sex, looks, wealth) than for friendship, you not only are setting yourself up for future failure— wealth may and sexual appeal will decrease—but you are also setting yourself up for loneliness. For what Adam in the garden needed was not just a sexual partner but a companion, bone of his bones, and flesh of his flesh.

— Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

Day two: 27/08/25. 07:07

I have just come back from a morning walk with Lover Boy. The raw idea was to jog as a form of exercise, but going out at 5 am was not the greatest idea for a young lady living in Lagos. So, Lover Boy volunteered to do it with me.

The only thing is, we ended up having quiet, fun, and sometimes raw conversations on those walks; no, we didn’t quite jog, and we did try—at least, he did 😹. There’s something about being surrounded by dawn, coupled with all that breeze in your face, that is so cosy and comforting; it makes you want to spill.

This morning was our last walk together, because Lover Boy is moving away. I have not fully processed what this means, but I’m sure I’ll get there.

I tried to take it all in for the last time, but I couldn’t. And there wasn’t any need to. The streets weren’t special, the walks weren’t spectacular; it was walking with him that meant anything. 

So instead, I did what I do best, I shape-shifted into my most comedic self and made him laugh—he might have broken a rib or two, but that’s fine because he’s found me. Although he might disagree because he was the butt of many jokes (Hi CEO! 🤭), I still think I did a good job. He won’t be forgetting this in a hurry. Hehe

We talked about many things, especially the future: being married, living together, etc. It triggered something. 

In a conversation with Amanda, last week, she’d asked why unbelievers in marriage seem to be ‘getting it right’ even more than the believers, and why the Christians who seem to be getting it right aren’t speaking up about it—to this latter question I thought, maybe they’re having too much fun to speak and maybe those who speak are not as entertaining. To the former question, I thought, how right can a person get it if it doesn’t end in an eternity with God? But I might be wrong too.

Even though there aren’t proven statistics for this assumption, many people think this way. One thing I know for sure is that marriage is a matter of common grace, and one doesn’t need to be saved to make that commitment and try to live up to it. Christian and non-Christian marriages are all valid before God. 

This verse also comes to mind, Romans 2:14-16:

‘For when Gentiles, who do not have the law, by nature do what the law requires, they are a law to themselves, even though they do not have the law. They show that the work of the law is written on their hearts, while their conscience also bears witness, and their conflicting thoughts accuse or even excuse them on that day when, according to my gospel, God judges the secrets of men by Christ Jesus.‘

Day what now? 06/09/25: 13:06

I’m lying in bed listening to Biggi Hilmars’ Ponds when I remember that I have an unfinished article calling my name. It’s been such a Saturday, from chores to more chores since I got up.

I had a conversation with my mother yesterday, and it made me pause. We were in the kitchen, and I asked her what she would do when we, her children, all left her. She said she’ll get a help.

Now, this wasn’t unfamiliar terrain. I grew up with many siblings who weren’t my biological siblings. They were cousins or relatives whom my parents decided to train or help out by accommodating them and sending them to school or putting a trade in their hands.

I smiled at the thought. ‘At the very least…’ But now, as I write, I wonder why her response was that quick. Had she been thinking about it before now? Will I, too, grow up and have children, then wonder how to continue with my life when they all leave to begin theirs?

Yanni’s Enchantment is playing now, and I remember how that conversation ended. I said, ‘So it’ll be just you and your husband again. Thank God you married a good husband.’ With a wide grin, she responds, ‘Thank God o.’

I love my parents’ friendship. It’s the kind that still makes us, their children, feel like third wheelers even after all these years. It’s such an enigma. I remember one time when my dad returned from a trip, but my mother wasn’t home. When my mother returned, I went to help clear and arrange the things she bought. She did something random, and I asked, ‘Aren’t you giving that to daddy?’ Puzzled, she asked, ‘Daddy is back?’ At my ‘yes,’ she literally jumped to her feet and went to disturb his sleep like a little girl. 

Forever would be hell without friendship, this is my conclusion.

What if, however, you began your marriage understanding its purpose as spiritual friendship for the journey to the new creation? 

— Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

I think it would be really good.

Many times, in the daily turmoil of existing as an earthling, it is blissful to know that an eternity with Jesus is at the end of it all—all our endeavours, relationships, and friendships; marriage being the most sacred of them all. 

What will it take to be a friend to the end? You could take lessons from Chucky.

Alternatively, from the little I know, it probably involves:

• Making sacrifices that chip away at the self. 
• Having our desires change and giving up things we love for the people we love.
• Accepting each other’s humanness. 
• Not judging as you would not want yourself judged. 
• Overlooking the small things. 
• Not taking the people we have for granted. 
• Practising friendship, prioritising it.

Ultimately, it means understanding that our sacrifices are worth it because people, broken as we all are, make life worth living. 

In the end, I would rather have a simple life. I don’t want the world, just a corner of it, to share with the ones I love. 

Mara Baby,
aka Lover Girl. ❤️

— Maranatha MMXXI.