How I’m feeling…

I woke up on the right side of the right side of my bed.

Entry #0000006

For a long time, I’ve reached out for contentment but my fingers are only long enough to touch it, not hold it. When I woke up today, it was firmly nestled in my palms.

I let out the song caressing the insides of my cheek. My voice is loud and crooked; there is a cough in my throat like I have swallowed dust that has refused to follow the normal digestion process. But that’s okay.

It’s okay because today I feel a lightness I have not felt in a long time. A lightness that alarms me. A lightness that began on Sunday when my little sister paid for my lunch and I overfed on fried chicken. A lightness bordering on a laxity that feels dangerous for my productivity.

I like it. My brain does not seem to remember my million needs. Today I appreciate my increasing slowness as my sit-ups count reaches 30 (I have to chant ‘no pain, no gain’ in my head to get to 50), the cold water that splashes on my face as I have my bath and most of all, the stillness that seems to have seeped into my bloodstream. Today, I feel a joy that has no reason.

Maybe I am a little behind schedule but it does not faze me like it used to when I could not bear to live a second outside my to-do list. I start to tick things off my list, content to start late than waste time bothering about the time I have lost. I have started to find meaning in things, in my experiences, in my actions. I want to live life slowly, savouring every moment.

I have stopped beating myself up when I fall short. Instead, I look myself in the mirror and tell myself all that I am not, the first of which is a failure. I press on like St. Paul, content to start over amidst deep, tired sighs but never with abrasive words from my own lips that dent my soul. I am learning to speak kindly to me.

Something is coming together, forming. Though I cannot see its form, I can feel it. It is tangible and it is cerainly more than a feeling, it is a condition. It is peace in its rawest form.

As the days go by, I will find better words to describe how His peace has found me in a way I have never experienced. I will properly dissect this feeling in a bid to understand what is this new condition of my soul and spirit.

But until then, I will bask in the silence of my deep breathes, how I do not feel the need to say so much anymore, how my heart sings and my face expresses its lyrics. And I will glory in Him who is the source of this new life that I have.

Shalom ♥🕊✨