Do stoics fall in love? II

—Marriage might be the first thing I do afraid. Stoic, me?

Day one: 08/08/25. 20:46

The contents of this thing I hope becomes an article are sloshing around in my head, which is weird since I only just woke up from a dream I cannot articulate. I only remember seeing two planes kiss in the sky.

Do planes date? That’s an animation I’d pay a premium to watch. If toys can come alive and pets can have secret lives, why not planes?

My last article was well received. I thank all who read, and those who left a bit of themselves in the form of comments. The topic of love and romance is highly sought after, so I am not surprised. I only hope that I can inspire some fresh way to think about love and romance by talking about these ideas that occur to me as I tread this path. There’s often the temptation to shy away from writing these things. 

But I think I should write it even more for myself than for anyone else. Maybe for my daughter, too.

Besides, when I was struggling with having a consistent devotional life, I wrote a book about it. When I pondered evangelism, I wrote a book about it. When I wanted to understand softness in a world as broken as ours, I wrote another book. 

What better place to write about a thing than when you are in the thing?

Ta-da! 

N.B. – I am not saying this will be a book. But who knows? Maybe Lover Boy will agree to co-author a book with me. I believe important topics should be kept within books.

I digress. 

I am not a fearful person. I do not say this with pride because it comes with an extremity that I am praying for grace for. 

What this looks like in my daily life is that failure or rejection is usually the last factor I consider during decision-making. Most times, I do not consider it at all. Like Ebele says, ‘Even you do not know how to ground yourself, only God can.’

But I think of marriage, and my head is woozy. Not from fear, but it makes me stop to think. Which is rare. It makes me examine my abilities and sneer. I know for sure that I will not excel at it by my ‘abilities.’

And believe me when I say I know my abilities. My boss, Mr K, says that I’m the one person he knows who has no problem blowing her trumpet. He’s not wrong. It’s a very matter-of-fact thing for me to know what I can and cannot do. And I’m quite good at focusing on the things I know. I do not see it as a thing of pride, per se. When I find the need for new knowledge, I chase it with equal fervour. I like to learn.

The problem is, marriage is not about skills. It’s an endless stream of selflessness and sacrifice. It is choosing to lay down your life every day in deeper ways than you ever have. What human has this ability? Certainly not me.

Nothing brings home the reality of the cross like marriage. 

– Maranatha

Earlier today, I asked Amanda why we have to take oaths for marriage and not for friendship, even though we also want our friendships to last forever. 

Her response? ‘But we won’t have sex.’

I skrimmed. 😹 She follows it up with, ‘And children.’

She’s right. Her answers were blunt and funny. But they also did the trick of jeering me back to the things I already knew. 

Marriage is a big deal. It is the only relationship that we could have that involves raising new lives and being responsible for them. Without oaths, would we not flee from such a heavy task? Thankfully, God has made it so that responsibilities match the privileges.

But in several ways, the marriage relationship is unique and is the most deeply covenantal relationship possible between two human beings. The covenant made between a husband and a wife is done “before God” and therefore with God as well as the spouse. To break faith with your spouse is to break faith with God at the same time.

— Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

The benefits outweigh the costs if we do it well. If we allow God to help us.

Abi?

Day two: 09/08/25. 21:57

Seeing as I’m not married, I wonder who is giving me all this information about marriage. 

Well. My relationship is more than 75% of my sneak peek into the future. The other 25% is from my elders at church and, of course, Tim Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage.

There was this part in the book that posited that self-centredness is one of the greatest issues married people face. Tim adjudged that if both parties decided that their selfishness was the central issue and worked on that, the marriage would be successful.

Determine to see your own selfishness as a fundamental problem and to treat it more seriously than you do your spouse’s. So if both of you decide to work on your selfishness and minister to the other, the prospects for your marriage are great.

– Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

In sum, focus on the log in your eye. 

And it makes sense. To love is to lay down your life for another (John 15:13). To will the good of another. 

Despite all this valuable information, I am sure that, like Jon Snow, I probably know nothing. 

Lover Boy calls me a stoic. Every time he does so, I tell him he’s not using the word properly. He rolls his eyes because he knows that I know what he is talking about. 

Stoicism might be a close second to the word (when I find it). At first, I thought he meant I wasn’t emotional or romantic, and we had a good back and forth about that.

In the end, we came to agree that what a person defines as romantic might be different from what another person defines as such. Also, we tend to make the word ‘emotional’ synonymous with ‘mushy.’ 

I believe it’s best to define such terms clearly. It helps to put descriptions to things to mutualise understanding and prevent confusion or resentment. 

A friend sent me a video of old couples giving advice for a happy, lasting marriage. It was the same advice in different words. 

Ditch perfection.
Choose to stay. 
Keep forgiving.
Accept who they are.
Love them for who they are. 

Whether one is afraid or not, they can try these things. If one is afraid of doing something, then that is why they should do it. Not doing it becomes a loss, since it breeds regrets, and who knows if doing it would have gone right? If it doesn’t go right, nobody would say that one did not try. 

If we let God, it will go right. 

Day three: 10/08/25. 11:28

Church is wrapping up. There is a couple in my direct line of sight. The woman is holding a baby, and her husband is trying to put his oversized glasses on the baby’s face. The woman’s face breaks into a smile, and at the same moment, my face breaks into one too.

I haven’t found any feeling that comes close to this thing that softly puts its hands around my heart and spreads to the rest of my chest when I see two people who have chosen each other. 

As the Koreans will say, ‘Aigoo.’

20:41

I’m listening to Lover Boy geek intensely about football. Now I know the difference between a gaming console and a gaming PC; the meaning of a graphics card, fps, 4k, and a couple of other gaming jargon, and who knew such information would ever sound so enticing?

Everything sounds different, better when it’s coming from someone you love. Even when he calls Rashford ‘Rashy baby’ and all that brings to mind is baby rash.

Day four: 13/08/25. 22:16

The one who loves cannot afford to see in black and white. They must see in colour. Of course, I am not referring to overlooking sin in any form and prancing all around the fence instead of being on the Lord’s side.

To love is to lay yourself down and always consider that there is an alternative perspective to how you see things. Being right should be the least of your worries. 

To love is to care. It is to have as a priority someone else’s feelings—to guard and honour their vulnerability, seeing as they have opened themselves to you. 

To love is to give yourself too. Because there is a kind of pride that reigns in always having the upper hand and being the ‘giver’ in the relationship. That is a recipe for disaster. 

And Jericho must fall.

By Jericho, I mean those walls you put up to protect yourself. Those hopes you restrict because of ‘What if things don’t work out?’ So you stop dreaming and resign yourself, so you keep your heart from pain. 

But hope is the lifeblood of the future. And the present is shaped by how we perceive the future. God invites us to dream, not to passively live like He is a dictator telling us what to do and leaving us with the sad resignation of ‘let His will be done,’ instead of joyful expectation that moves us to walk in faith. 

God wants our joy. 

Be zealous in a good thing. 
Hope is a good thing. 
Love is a good thing.
And in our weaknesses, we can boast. 
For He is strong.

P.S. – Can a stoic fall in love? I’ll leave you to deduce the answer. 😉

— Mara Baby,
aka Lover Girl ❤️

— Maranatha MMXXI.